a word on pregnancy posts...

So I get shy about blogging pregnant/baby-stuff for a number of reasons,
but there might be one that sticks out more than the rest—
a relatively new sensitivity for the plague of infertility.
I don't know what about me blocked my view of what a trial this is, but until recent years, I've been rather oblivious. I don't know when it was that I actually put myself in the shoes of those that suffer this way, but I admit they were not comfortable shoes at all.

I found myself wanting conversations with these women; to know what they were feeling and what to do if this were to be my trial too. But at the same time I was learning that this subject was of the taboo sort; something that wasn't my business or was rather personal.

While in the midst of "trying on these shoes" (logging a health history and with a fertility appointment scheduled), one of these women in the family shared a bit about her pain. It was good for me to hear, probably mostly because hers was a happy ending, but I'm a sucker for openness anyway. She expressed gratitude for the trial and what it has taught her—and she taught me too. (Thanks, Gabe!)

Just days after she was willing to open up, I got a "+" on my first pregnancy test—the night before my fertility appointment. (Long story there; email me and I'd be happy to tell you more.) Ever since, I have counted it a tremendous blessing rather than simply the "next step" in life. I've tried to be sensitive as to not make an "unintentional hurtful comment," nor be a hurtful reminder to those suffering.



It is for this reason, that I decided to follow Tallia's example and put the baby stuff in its own place—a sort of "online baby book" so that my family may still get the pregnancy deets, but to my dear friends and family who are struggling, I hope this way I will not add some tears to your day if you happen to be reading... (Of course if you are feeling particularly strong, you're welcome to peek as you wish.)

May we all be more sensitive, eh? Click here (or new button on sidebar) for the pregnancy posts...

sorry 'bout that.

[this video isn't amazing, but the music is, so just listen while you read...]

Ben heard about my teasing post and said I owed you all an apology.
Sorry to leave you all hanging, I didn't mean to be mean!
sorry too, for that sounding like a 4-year-old apology. :(

Anyway, bear with me as I make a story out of this;
if it's too much for you, skip to the good stuff at the bottom...

The song above is kind of a theme song to my summer-sans-Ben.
It was the first song on his mix for me that he sent for our anniversary apart.
And, consequently, it was the first song on his mix from Jordan
who was housing him while I was away.

The song is a cover of Animal Collective's My Girls single, a strong tune on it's own,
but I do love this lady-version with its whimsical percussion.

For a time my only complaint was why this girl had to substitute "boys" for "girls"
and completely change the name of the song. Because, as I read the lyrics,
the guy who wrote it wasn't referring to lovers or girlfriends—which is why
you'd want to change a gender, right? Instead, she could have left the lyrics as-is,
as if referring to her own daughters.

But as I sat in that waiting room all alone after the unexpected ultrasound, it clicked:

She changed that song for me!

Because, at least for now, all I want is a proper house (and home) for

my boys.

[i was glad to read that he was indeed referring not only to his daughter but his wife too, click here for full lyrics.]

two announcements

2 little laptops jumping on the bed.

one fell off and BROKE his head.

mama called the doctor and the doctor said,

"it's ben's turn to share a laptop,
because yours is DEAD."

———

ok, so it's not 100% dead. in fact, i'm posting from it right now.

but the screen is all wiggety-whack, so I'm working in the 2-inch window
that is still somewhat functioning. Plans to move all my files over to Ben's new shiny
MacBook Pro with CS5 are underway.
But first I get to go pick him up and tell him all about my 6-hour venture
at the Human Services clinic today—where they whisked me
away and told me a gender like they were telling me the weather.
I saw Baby move in that ultrasound
and felt like I could tell what was going on way more
than I ever could tell from anyone's little black-and-white photo.

Oh, and they changed my due-date to 23 January. (Farther along than I thought). Not bad.

But really,
I'm going to go have fun with HusBen who's been gone all day with a test and a final project presentation.
Then I'll come back and tell you the he or she later.

Any guesses in the meantime?

ben felt his babe today

—that's all i'm going to say.

er—honestly, did you really think I could only say so much?
Can I just add it was exactly a month ago that I myself felt the little "twitch-like" movement?
And really, this is real? A whole body inside my body?

Sauteéd Squash

this has been a top candidate for pregnancy cravings. it always sounds good, and always makes me feel good. even the sea salt and olive oil were a little interruptive of my perfect pregnancy food. this yellow squash came from the biggest farmer's market i've ever seen. (even bigger than burrough market in london. though not as gourmet, raleigh's seemed so authentic with everyone's accents!)